New Blog about The Book

As most of you know, I have been working on a book about being Jennifer's caregiver. Today I started a new blog, essentially to ask for contributions to get the book published.

I am almost at the end of a very long journey, so please do visit the blog and do what you can to help.

http://h-mwhc.blogspot.com/

Mummy Too!

This morning, really, really early, at around 3 a.m. or so it struck me. I am not only Junior's dad, I'm also his mum! I have come to replace Jennifer in the mummy role as well.

Initially I felt that my own mum would do this, but as time went by its obvious that I have become both mum and dad to him. I don't mind at all of course, but I must admit I wish he had a motherly-figure in his life which he could turn to for the mothering a growing boy needs.

Of course there are women in Jr's life, there's his two Godmas and his aunts and two grandmothers, but I am referring more to someone who could possibly be both my companion and his.

Jennifer told me very pointedly that I should not be alone after she passed from this life. She knew me well.

But she also rather cheekily told me that she was not going to discuss who I should marry or even if I should marry at all! She reminded me of the many, many times I had told everyone who bothered to listen how I could never understand polygamy, as one woman (i.e. Jennifer) was all that I could handle.

Ah, love, perhaps I should have added, at any one time!


I also offered up a silent prayer to Jennifer to wish her a Happy Mother's Day as I know she continues to mother the both of us from heaven!

Jennifer was an exceptional mother. I remember the many times she would impress me with her depth of love for Junior. From holding him in her arms for hours on end when he was a colicky baby to the wanting to see to his every need even when she was so deeply in pain towards the end of her life...

Love, you were a world-class mother, and we continue to miss your selfless love for us, your perfect care and mothering this side of heaven... Please give me the strength to be the best Daddy and yes, even Mummy to Junior...

Happy Birthday Love!

Today Jennifer would've been 41.

She was never one for birthdays, that is, until we started dating. I remember the first ever birthday present(s) I gave her. It was a bouquet of roses, with a cryptic note because we had just started dating and did not want the lady boss to know (Jennifer and I were colleagues then). And "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Internet" (it was 1997, so it was a useful book!)



Since that first birthday we spent together oh-so-long ago, we made it a point to celebrate all our birthdays. And what fun we had. It was often a series of mini-celebrations: from the romantic escapades for just the two of us to the many makan sessions with family and friends...

Jennifer's last birthday party was a surprise do I planned at Penang Mari, then our favourite haunt. I got all her family, best friends, and church buddies to gather and then we surprised her, with Jr being the main star who said he needed to use the little boys' room upstairs where everyone was waiting!

Such fun, such joy, such an overpowering show of love...

Happy birthday angel!
I'm sure they celebrate birthdays in heaven as well, surrounded by loved ones who have gone before us...

We miss you today especially much, but because of our love for you in our hearts, we celebrate you... and your new life!

What Would You Say To Cancer, Given The Chance?

Jennifer was a world-class fighter whose ferocity in her battle with cancer would make Mohammed Ali, Bruce Lee and Jacky Chan look like wimps.

I received an e-mail from LIVESTRONG, the Lance Armstrong Foundation with the link for this video, which is amazing! I can only imagine what Jennifer would have said, but I beleive it would be along these lines: "you will not stop me from being the best mother I can to my son." "I will continue to be the life of the party." "The only person who hates you more than me is my husband !"

She would have had strong words for cancer.

For those of us who were living witnesses to the her daily struggle with cancer, we realise and know that she fought all the way to the very end, even refusing to go onto morphine when the pain was unbearable because for her that would have spelt the end.

So cancer, I have this to say to you: "you may have taken Jennifer from us, but the battle against you is far from over. Many hundreds and thousands more have risen in her place to put an end to you. To ensure that no other mother, wife, sister and daughter will ever be taken away..."

"Cancer, you days are numbered. We will triumph over you in the end!"

N.B. I have been involved with LIVESTRONG since 2004, and have organised LIVESTRONG DAYs in Malaysia. I will be working to create the first LIVESTRONG CHALLENGE in Malaysia soon. Please do drop me a note if you want to be involved!

Three

Yes, it has been three years.
At times, it seems like "oh-so-long-ago" but then, at times it seems like "only yesterday"...

But we will always carry her in our hearts, be it 3 or 30 years -- Jennifer will remain forever in the heart of her TwoMichaels and in a lot of your hearts.

Why?

Because of who she was.
Because she first touched us.
Because long ago she carried us in her hearts.
Because once you've met her, you will never ever forget her.
Because you become the better for knowing her.

Jennifer was always impatient, wanting to get things done fast, fast, fast (I have come to understand in my own personal reflections that she must have known in her spirit that her time with us would not be very long). But in her relationships with people she was infinitely patient -- she never gave up on her friends, even when they would constantly disappoint her. That was just how she was.

She cared very well for all of us, and she was the one to think of every detail, of everything and was always the one to do it all. That is why we all feel such a loss -- because she carried us all this time.

Jennifer was the most lively, bubbly person you would ever meet. She was so full of life even when she was living with metastatic cancer. She would always be there for her family, her friends, even people she did not know very well. That was her thing, it was almost universal how helpful and involved she was, be it in her church, her community or her company.

This is what helps us go on.

Knowing that our Jennifer had lived so well, even in her short time this side of heaven.

Of course we miss her. We will always miss her.

But we live with happiness in the same heart she resides in because we know we will one day be reunited with her.

Christmas in our hearts...

As most of you know, Jennifer was really into celebrations. Christmas, Chinese New Year, our birthdays (especially Junior's). She would plan every last detail and run around the whole of KL just to ensure she got everything just perfect!

Christmas, CNY and our birthdays are hard for Jr and me. We miss her so much on these days. In fact we already miss her during the preparations because she used to do it all...

Today I remembered a very, very sad moment from Christmas 2005, which was Jennifer's Last Christmas with us this side of heaven. She wanted to do up the house "just so" and I was irritated with something or other (possibly because she was so tired and in pain and I wanted her to just "take it easy love").

So I went upstairs to watch TV. She came up and asked for my help -- I told her, a little too harshly, "later, I want to watch this..." and the next thing I knew, she just stared hard at me and said: "don't you know this is my last Christmas, can't you help!?". I remember looking away and quietly saying, "I know how you feel, but this is not the way..."

She stormed downstairs and after a long, long, time I went down to look for her. She was sitting on the sofa with tears streaming down her cheeks. I apologized (it seemed so empty an act then) and held her and cried along with her.

I assured her we would have many many many more Christmases together (even though we both knew it was possibly not true) and just stayed very close to her then for what seemed like a suspended moment in time.

It makes me sad to think of the times I should have risen to the challenge, and seized the opportunity to be more supportive, more loving than I was. As some of you know, I am writing a book on my experiences as her caregiver. I share a lot about making the time to be with each other, and clearly this is what I wished I did more...

So this Christmas, love a little better, give not only nice, expensive, thoughtful gifts, but give of yourselves as well.

That is the true meaning of Christmas, the baby who came into the world to give the ultimate gift to us all, Himself...

Merry Christmas!

Goodbye Randy

Randy Pausch left to start his "next adventure" today. He was 47.

I suspected his time was short because he actually responded to an e-mail I sent him (about writing the foreword for my book) apologizing that he could not because he was "running out of time".

Funnily enough, I wrote Randy an e-mail today after reading the update someone posted on his site which I check daily. The update mentioned he was in hospice care. It was also from there that I got the news of his passing a couple of hours ago.

I feel suddenly empty.

Truth is, Randy has not only been an inspiration, but has been a driving force in my life lately. Let me explain: since hearing about "The Last Lecture" I have watched it countless times. It was a way of connecting with the "cancer community" that I am a part, and more importantly it drove me to be the better person we are all called to be.

In his words: "If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care
of itself. The dreams will come to you" and my ultimate favourite, which has helped me in my time of grief, "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand".

Randy's other lecture on Time Management is equally wonderful. I believe he wrote it with me in mind!

I have Randy to thank for "pushing" me to continue writing and complete the book I began just after Jennifer's passing. I will move forward to getting it published soon.

I'm actually too choked-up to write more.

RIP brother, and send our love to Jennifer, we miss you both, but will continue to live with you in our hearts!