Not so Happy Birthday

They tell you that Anniversaries and Birthdays are when you will miss your loved ones most. This weekend was my 38th birthday and my second since Jennifer left us.

It struck me as odd that I am now officially older than her, something I never ever believed would happen.

There were two celebrations, one with family, and the other with friends. The parties were lovely -- with good food, and even better company -- but I could not shake the empty feeling I had inside.

Then it hit me.

I missed her. I miss her not because the people surrounding me were lacking, but rather because she was always so central to every celebration, to every party. She was always the life of the party, the one who would laugh out loudest, who would organize everyone to dance, sing, whatever!

I feel so lost without her at times, and none more than this weekend. I wish I could feel her presence, I wish I could reach out and touch the air and somehow feel her spirit.

But there is nothing there, only the air, only emptiness...

We are Raised Up!

I just caught Josh Groban and the African Children's Choir on American Idol, and I suddenly remembered how Jennifer used to sing this song for me and Jr. She had the most amazing voice -- I wish I had her on video, but I still remember her very powerful and wonderful voice, especially whenever she sang from the heart in the most difficult times of her very short but full life...

She often told me that she could go on because of how I lifted her, and whenever she thought of Jr. We go on now because of her, to do her honour and to keep her alive in our hearts.

I will scale my every mountain and shout from the top to her in heaven that I remember what she told me: To never give up my dreams because of her. To not let her death hold me back from realizing my fullest potential.

"You Raise Me Up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life, no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But then you come, and I am filled with wonder;
Sometimes I think, I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

My love, it is now YOU who raise us up!

There Is None Like Jennifer

It's been a year now that Jennifer left us. And my, what a year it has been!

There has been so many changes. Some good, some not so good, but all in all, I can truly see how God has been so loving and merciful to us, Jennifer's loved ones.

We all miss Jennifer. And we always will. It does not get easier really, but it does get better.

One of my favourite songs is "There Is None Like You". It speaks about how there is no possible substitute for God in our life, but I have come to sing it to Jennifer. Here are the lyrics, and I am sure you can see why...

There Is None Like You

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find there is none like You

Your mercy flows like a river wide
And healing comes from Your hands
Suffering children are safe in Your arms
There is none like You

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find there is none like You

There truly is no one like her, and I know there will never ever be.

So love, look down on us from heaven above and know that you are forever in our hearts.

We love you still...

nobody gets me ... yet? Or ever?

This I found out only today...

My wife told a friend of mine (and I have so few) that he was one of those who "got me" too. For the uninitiated: "got me" i.e. understood me at a very deep level. It struck me how right she was. And how wrong too. Because while I love this dear friend of mine, he does not get me as Jennifer did.

She got me, almost completely. She had an insight that no other human person had into me. It was as if she was gifted with the ability to look into my soul.

I miss her on so many levels. This one is the hardest. That no one will ever get me again.

I was out tonight with three almost complete strangers. After a lot of wine (beer, espresso and lattes as well) it just struck me -- these people and yes, others in my life now would probably never ever appreciate the complexity that is me.

That in a room full of people I could be completely alone. That even if I was by myself I would not feel alone.

Jennifer got me very quickly, she never really accepted my whole make-up (she always felt that I was way too complex) but she knew me in a way that no one else did, almost from the get go. She searched much deeper within. She looked into my heart.

And she got me.

In our first weekend together, she got me. I knew then, as the world knows now, that she was truly my soul companion...

Now it seems to feel that no one else will. That is sad. Which makes me miss her all the more.

I remember crying with her very early into our journey with her cancer that we would not be able to grow old together -- her answer: what we had was more, much more intense than what most couples shared in a lifetime, and that it was better than two people who grew old together not really knowing each other. We made each other our priority. We had consistently made each other, the other’s centre. That in a world of billions there was only the both of us. Alone in a crowd. Together when we were alone.

The tears are rolling now.

I have opened myself to the possibility of another person in my life, but now it seems somewhat pointless – will she ever get me?

I was on the phone with my "son" in the US for a couple of hours. Kev knows a lot of the "war stories". As does Vin.

But no one has the singular perspective that my love had. And it wasn't just because we were together for nine years. I’ve known Vin for 30, Kev for 15.

What was is then? Maybe God made her that way. Maybe He knew I had to be got then. What now?

Really, what now God?

Not being got is hard. Getting the other person and not being got is harder. The hardest is this: realizing that I will probably never be got again.

So here’s what we will do: not look to be got. Just get on with the living (and possibly not the loving) and pray, pray, pray that not being got will not change me as much as I’m afraid it will.

Pray that God will speak louder, clearer and bring people into my life that will get the bits of me they need to get. Or rather, that I need them to get.

Here’s a novel idea: maybe Junior will have his mum’s gift and get me as much as she could.

Lately it seems like I’m putting a lot on his tiny little shoulders – but he’s blessed with being able to manage it all in his own affable manner. He gets that from her.

Maybe he will get me when he grows up. Until then, I will try not to want to be got.

The dark night of the soul must pass.

One Month Later

It's been a month.

So much has changed but yet so much remains the same. I miss my wife so much. I don't miss her like some of you would imagine. Just a deep sense of loss -- a void. I told someone that a part of my heart died with her. The part that I believe is reserved for her alone.

Does that make sense?

Cried a fair bit today... I pray it gets easier as time passes.

But don't get me wrong: it's not all tears. I have been busy. With work. New business ideas. Out with friends. Making new friends. Getting to know old friends better.

Jennifer told me in our last weeks together that she wanted me to "go for my dreams" that she "did not want to hold me back". Even to the extent of finding love again. She was like that, truly.

I live life now with a renewed passion, for her, for Junior and of course, myself.

Viva Jennifer!

Jennifer Goes to Heaven

Today, my wife breathed her last. I was filled with all kinds of weird emotions. One, of a deep, deep, deep sense of loss. Another of relief for her as her suffering was so very great towards the end.

I know that a part of me died with her. But that the rest of me must still go on. For Junior, for my parents, and for all our loved ones. But my life will forever no longer be the same.

I lost my bestest friend in the world as well today. Someone who humanly came closest to "getting" me. This is possibly the saddest thing as I'm not easily understandable.

How will we go on?

I'm not sure now, but I know we will live through this, just like how we've sailed through every storm, survived every speed bump.

May God welcome her with open arms, may she take our Lord's hands and never ever let go.

She promised me she'd always be with us. And my wife always keeps her promises.

requiescat in pace et lux perpetua luceat ei