Christmas in our hearts...

As most of you know, Jennifer was really into celebrations. Christmas, Chinese New Year, our birthdays (especially Junior's). She would plan every last detail and run around the whole of KL just to ensure she got everything just perfect!

Christmas, CNY and our birthdays are hard for Jr and me. We miss her so much on these days. In fact we already miss her during the preparations because she used to do it all...

Today I remembered a very, very sad moment from Christmas 2005, which was Jennifer's Last Christmas with us this side of heaven. She wanted to do up the house "just so" and I was irritated with something or other (possibly because she was so tired and in pain and I wanted her to just "take it easy love").

So I went upstairs to watch TV. She came up and asked for my help -- I told her, a little too harshly, "later, I want to watch this..." and the next thing I knew, she just stared hard at me and said: "don't you know this is my last Christmas, can't you help!?". I remember looking away and quietly saying, "I know how you feel, but this is not the way..."

She stormed downstairs and after a long, long, time I went down to look for her. She was sitting on the sofa with tears streaming down her cheeks. I apologized (it seemed so empty an act then) and held her and cried along with her.

I assured her we would have many many many more Christmases together (even though we both knew it was possibly not true) and just stayed very close to her then for what seemed like a suspended moment in time.

It makes me sad to think of the times I should have risen to the challenge, and seized the opportunity to be more supportive, more loving than I was. As some of you know, I am writing a book on my experiences as her caregiver. I share a lot about making the time to be with each other, and clearly this is what I wished I did more...

So this Christmas, love a little better, give not only nice, expensive, thoughtful gifts, but give of yourselves as well.

That is the true meaning of Christmas, the baby who came into the world to give the ultimate gift to us all, Himself...

Merry Christmas!

Goodbye Randy

Randy Pausch left to start his "next adventure" today. He was 47.

I suspected his time was short because he actually responded to an e-mail I sent him (about writing the foreword for my book) apologizing that he could not because he was "running out of time".

Funnily enough, I wrote Randy an e-mail today after reading the update someone posted on his site which I check daily. The update mentioned he was in hospice care. It was also from there that I got the news of his passing a couple of hours ago.

I feel suddenly empty.

Truth is, Randy has not only been an inspiration, but has been a driving force in my life lately. Let me explain: since hearing about "The Last Lecture" I have watched it countless times. It was a way of connecting with the "cancer community" that I am a part, and more importantly it drove me to be the better person we are all called to be.

In his words: "If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care
of itself. The dreams will come to you" and my ultimate favourite, which has helped me in my time of grief, "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand".

Randy's other lecture on Time Management is equally wonderful. I believe he wrote it with me in mind!

I have Randy to thank for "pushing" me to continue writing and complete the book I began just after Jennifer's passing. I will move forward to getting it published soon.

I'm actually too choked-up to write more.

RIP brother, and send our love to Jennifer, we miss you both, but will continue to live with you in our hearts!

Randy's Book

I bought Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture book when it first came out a couple of months ago. I started reading eagerly, but could not continue as some of the thoughts were "too close to home"...

But then recently I picked it up again and fought through the tears and pain to finish it.

I'm glad I did, because it's a wonderful book, almost as wonderful as the video itself. Now I have a goal: to get Randy to write the foreword for my book. In case you don't know this is the book I am writing based on my experiences as caregiver to my late wife, Jennifer.

I am of course facing two "brick walls" to make this happen.

The first: is Randy well enough? According to his site which I check daily, he might be able to do it.

The second: how do I get to him. So far two of my earlier e-mails to him have remained unanswered, but I can understand, and to be honest, I did not expect him to reply.

Anyway, as Randy says, "...the brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough..."

Yes. I will climb these brick walls, because I want this "bad enough". Stay tuned for updates...

Jennifer's 2nd is also ours

Today, Jennifer turns two, in Heaven years that is. Of course I am using human years to calculate heaven years. I will need to wait until I go to heaven (and yes, I struggle daily with this) to find out how long heaven years are.

We continue to live our lives as best we can -- as she would have wanted us to. Jr and I will fly up to Penang this Friday, where she is interred to give her flowers and spend some time in prayer at her grave. It would have also been her 40th birthday, so the trip is all that more poignant.

When I planned the trip I only focussed on the fact that it was her birthday -- without realising that it is also Good Friday. For us Catholic-Christians, Good Friday is a really BIG DEAL, so we are very happy to spend it in honour of Jennifer's memory.

For her friends who check in to this blog on her anniversary: we will be having the usual Memorial makan session only after Easter as my friend, Albert will be so busy celebrating the Triduum leading up to Easter. I'll let you all know when we know.

I very recently came across something that I find to be supremely inspirational: "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. You have to see this for yourselves as words cannot describe how wonderful it is. Over 6 million people have watched it, and Randy has been on Oprah and most recently, testified at the US Congress.

Check it out here.

My prayers are with Jai, Dylan, Logan and Chloe and of course, Randy! You have touched my life so much, and I hope you will continue to have many more months of "good health"!

Just One More...

I have this recurring dream: Jennifer is still in the hospital, alive, and relatively well.

She’s under a white sheet and has on a surgical mask (possibly so we would not infect her) but even with the mask on you can see her eyes are smiling and full of live. She nods and laughs through the mask at the jokes I'm making, and all our family and loved ones are there -- in spite of the surrounds we are in high spirits, and things are positive and very upbeat!

It is as if she never left us.

I often ask for one more day with her. So that Jr and I can tell her all the things we've been dying to tell her.

For me, it would be this: how I believe God made a mistake for taking her instead of me. Of how she's the stronger one and how she would have held everyone together better than I ever could possibly... Of how Jr needs a mother more than a father, of how I need a wife more than she needed a husband.

I would also tell her I miss her desperately everyday, that I don't want to go on without her. That each day brings with it unspeakable pain and agony of not having her here by our side. How alone and empty our lives have been since she left us.

I would want to sit very close to her and whisper about all the bad things I've been through these last two years, of all the people that were mean to me, and of all the let downs and challenges and hurts I’ve experienced. She always knew just the right things to say, just the right thing to do...

In fact, I would settle for just one more hour, or even one more minute, or even, just one more second...

I now look forward to an eternity with her when we meet again in heaven...

In the classic words of Eric Clapton and Will Jennings:

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven