As most of you know, Jennifer was really into celebrations. Christmas, Chinese New Year, our birthdays (especially Junior's). She would plan every last detail and run around the whole of KL just to ensure she got everything just perfect!
Christmas, CNY and our birthdays are hard for Jr and me. We miss her so much on these days. In fact we already miss her during the preparations because she used to do it all...
Today I remembered a very, very sad moment from Christmas 2005, which was Jennifer's Last Christmas with us this side of heaven. She wanted to do up the house "just so" and I was irritated with something or other (possibly because she was so tired and in pain and I wanted her to just "take it easy love").
So I went upstairs to watch TV. She came up and asked for my help -- I told her, a little too harshly, "later, I want to watch this..." and the next thing I knew, she just stared hard at me and said: "don't you know this is my last Christmas, can't you help!?". I remember looking away and quietly saying, "I know how you feel, but this is not the way..."
She stormed downstairs and after a long, long, time I went down to look for her. She was sitting on the sofa with tears streaming down her cheeks. I apologized (it seemed so empty an act then) and held her and cried along with her.
I assured her we would have many many many more Christmases together (even though we both knew it was possibly not true) and just stayed very close to her then for what seemed like a suspended moment in time.
It makes me sad to think of the times I should have risen to the challenge, and seized the opportunity to be more supportive, more loving than I was. As some of you know, I am writing a book on my experiences as her caregiver. I share a lot about making the time to be with each other, and clearly this is what I wished I did more...
So this Christmas, love a little better, give not only nice, expensive, thoughtful gifts, but give of yourselves as well.
That is the true meaning of Christmas, the baby who came into the world to give the ultimate gift to us all, Himself...
Merry Christmas!
