Growing Up Junior

Junior continues to grow into this teenager that I am beginning not to recognize. I made a promise to Jennifer that I will love and take care of him more than necessary so he would not want for mother. I look at him these days and know that I have failed.

Yes, I know I'm being hard on myself -- I also know that I'm the best Daddy I can be to him, just failing miserably on the Mummy front.

I believe a Mary Poppins or Sister Maria is required in my situation... what do you think???

March is always the longest month for me...

March is notable for two dates. The first is Jennifer's birthday, 21st, the second is her heavenly birthday, the 17th.

Always hard for me when February ends and March begins.

All the memories. All the thoughts. All the pain.

I hate March.

It used to be the time I would plan to surprise her -- we almost always took a trip. Just the two of us the at first then with Jr later. I would always have the hardest time figuring out what to buy her. Not because she had everything, but because she was so hard to surprise.

But when I managed to, she would grumble, grumble and then smile and laugh that infectious laugh of hers...

*sigh* miss you so Yappie...

March will soon pass, bringing more healing and love.

Babyface Moment

During our wedding dinner I surprised Jennifer by singing this song with my best man, best friend, and brother...

It was a magical moment, all of us on stage, belting out Babyface's Every Time I Close My Eyes. The main message I wanted to share with my love was:

"And every time I close my eyes I thank the Lord that I've got you and you've got me too.

And every time I think of it I pinch myself 'cause I don't believe it's true, that someone like you loves me too..."

I remember how good I felt when she ran up to the stage and hugged me and kissed me after the song.

I found the Babyface CD today and spent a quiet moment remembering her, our wedding night and yes, the many many many wonderful memories that collectively made our lives together, "unbelievable".

Miss you so babe. Every time I close my eyes, I think of you...

Stronger after the break

Junior told me today that he misses Jennifer more now than he did when she just passed. And in a way, so do I.

The old adage that time heals all wounds does not seem to apply to us in this regard. Junior said it was easier for him when she initially left us, now he really misses her presence in our lives. I cautioned him it might get harder as he hits his teenage years, because then he would need a mummy’s ear (the proverbial woman’s touch) for some of his growing-up concerns.

For me, I continue to live with the knowledge that I not only lost my wife, but also my best friend, constant companion, business partner, lover, girlfriend, dance partner, spiritual prayer, chef, creative collaborator, bouncer, event organizer, and much, much more.

Jennifer was such an amazingly cohesive force. She was the one who organized all the gatherings and parties. She saw to everyone’s needs. She was always there for her family and friends, even until the very end, seeing to details that we would often not even think about. In simple terms, she made it all happen.

Missing her has become a part of our lives.

Sometimes we cope with the symptoms very well, but the primary disease never ever goes away. In this regard, I know in some cosmic way we sadden her. She was so clear when she told me that her passing should never hold us back, that we must push on, as how she did all through her life, all through her battle with cancer.

But love, it is never easy, is it?

I often tell people our lives (Junior’s and mine) are fractured. Truth is, at times, not always, it seems broken beyond repair. But I am reminded of another medical metaphor, that broken bones become stronger after they heal, and perhaps that is what we have to look forward to. Until then, we remain as we are, in the process of becoming stronger.

Randy's First

Today is a year since Randy Pausch left us.

Like millions of others the world over, Randy’s Last Lecture touched me in ways I honestly cannot explain. Soon after watching the lecture on YouTube I started communicating with Randy, telling him about the impact he made in my life, and how we had this “cancer” connection with each other.

Randy wrote sparingly, as you would imagine a man who counted seconds. But I do remember one very poignant note he sent me, where he said he was “just about out of time…”

I broke down and cried. I read and reread the email. It brought back memories of the last weeks of Jennifer’s life, when I knew in my heart that we had but moments left.

Then the news came, a year ago today. I mourned for Randy; I grieved very deeply for him. It was as if I had lost yet another loved one to cancer.

I hate this disease so much. It has torn a hole in my soul. If I could, I would dedicate my life to fighting this disease – I have in my own little way, but it is never enough.

I try to live life based on many of Randy’s isms: “just how we play the hand” “Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome” “Loyalty is a two-way street” and many, many more.

Once in a while when I feel lost, lonely and depressed, I load up Randy’s video and I sit there for one hour, sixteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds in awe. And I find my spirit lifted, I have laughed and cried and laughed some more with Randy and all at CMU on that fateful day. I especially look out for Jai, and light up when she comes forward for the cake. I felt a connection with her because she was a fellow caregiver, because she now too knows the sense of emptiness of loss from losing a wonderful, wonderful spouse. I still visit Randy's website almost everyday, hoping to find an update on the family...

Randy, I know you are in heaven, because one as good, who suffered so much must be in a place where you continue to look over your loved ones and enjoy their achievements, living up to their childhood dreams and realizing their fullest potential as the most wonderful people God wanted them to be.

Just as I know that Jennifer watches over us, and can feel her presence at times I believe Randy also watches over his loved ones.

To Jai, Dylan, Logan and Chloe, I hope this anniversary is filled with much peace and happiness, I know the loss, and the grief is hard, but in time, you will be able to fill this painful space with the love your husband/father had for you.

Cancer may have claimed Randy your beloved from this side of heaven, but it will never ever diminish his great love for you. And know this, like millions throughout the world, our thoughts and prayer and love are with you today.

New Blog about The Book

As most of you know, I have been working on a book about being Jennifer's caregiver. Today I started a new blog, essentially to ask for contributions to get the book published.

I am almost at the end of a very long journey, so please do visit the blog and do what you can to help.

http://h-mwhc.blogspot.com/

Mummy Too!

This morning, really, really early, at around 3 a.m. or so it struck me. I am not only Junior's dad, I'm also his mum! I have come to replace Jennifer in the mummy role as well.

Initially I felt that my own mum would do this, but as time went by its obvious that I have become both mum and dad to him. I don't mind at all of course, but I must admit I wish he had a motherly-figure in his life which he could turn to for the mothering a growing boy needs.

Of course there are women in Jr's life, there's his two Godmas and his aunts and two grandmothers, but I am referring more to someone who could possibly be both my companion and his.

Jennifer told me very pointedly that I should not be alone after she passed from this life. She knew me well.

But she also rather cheekily told me that she was not going to discuss who I should marry or even if I should marry at all! She reminded me of the many, many times I had told everyone who bothered to listen how I could never understand polygamy, as one woman (i.e. Jennifer) was all that I could handle.

Ah, love, perhaps I should have added, at any one time!


I also offered up a silent prayer to Jennifer to wish her a Happy Mother's Day as I know she continues to mother the both of us from heaven!

Jennifer was an exceptional mother. I remember the many times she would impress me with her depth of love for Junior. From holding him in her arms for hours on end when he was a colicky baby to the wanting to see to his every need even when she was so deeply in pain towards the end of her life...

Love, you were a world-class mother, and we continue to miss your selfless love for us, your perfect care and mothering this side of heaven... Please give me the strength to be the best Daddy and yes, even Mummy to Junior...