I'm sorry that I am sorry...

“I’m sorry this happened to you son”, I said. “The hand?” Junior asked.
“Not just. Everything.” I replied.

And in a way that’s how I feel a lot of the time.

I’m sorry he had a parent who was sick all the time she just sat quietly in our room for hours on end, even though she’d rather be up and about doing things for him. I’m sorry the most adorable mother in the world had lost so much weight just looking at her probably made him sad.

I’m sorry she got even sicker after we believed she would be better.

I’m sorry he had to be taken out of school because she was close to leaving us. I’m sorry he (and I) was not home when she breathed her last. I’m sorry he had to climb on a stool to say his last goodbye to her, placing a lily in the casket as he sang a quiet lullaby of ‘can you feel the love tonight…?’

I’m sorry he had to see her lovely white coffin engulfed in flames. I’m sorry his mummy’s remains were confined to a marble urn. I’m sorry she’s so far away in Penang that we only get to visit her once, maybe twice a year.

I’m sorry I was not a very good father when I was dealing with my grief. I’m sorry I took a job that dragged me across South East Asia he felt abandoned when he probably needed me most.

I’m sorry the woman I was seeing then could not see how unique he is, and would not bring herself to accept him. I’m sorry for the driver we both loved who came into our lives when we needed him most, but then left us so suddenly when he too passed.

I’m sorry for selling the lovely home we had and moving him around, making him even more unsettled. I’m sorry for the tiny room he has now, when he used to occupy two all by himself.

I’m sorry that I’ve not been a very good mummy, even if I have been an exceptional daddy.

And yes, I’m sorry he fractured his hand so that eating is difficult, playing is impossible and not being able to do the things he usually does because it was his dominant hand.

Most of all, I’m sorry he has to hear me say, “I’m sorry…”

I would give everything I own just to have you back again

You sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, set me free
The finest years I ever knew
Were all the years I had with you, and

{Refrain}

I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again

You taught me how to love
What it's of, what it's of
You never said too much but still you showed the way
And I knew from watching you
Nobody else could ever know
The part of me that can't let go

{Refrain}

Is there someone you know, you're loving them so
But taking them all for granted
You may lose them one day, someone takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say

{Refrain}

Just to touch you once again

Online Tributes to Jennifer

The day after, and I found a couple of tributes about Jennifer online. I've also received so many warm, engaging e-mails and SMSes, even from strangers.

Jr and I are very ok. In fact we feel blessed for all the love and care we've received.


Here are two links, the first from Wai Mun, Jennifer's elder sister and the second from her friend WMW, who has never failed to write a blog post every year:

http://livefreerunfree.blogspot.com/2010/03/nostalgia.html
http://ugwug.blogspot.com/2010/03/remembering-you.html

For the record, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who I cherish very much! ;)

Jennifer's Fourth...

We miss you so Yappers!

Growing Up Junior

Junior continues to grow into this teenager that I am beginning not to recognize. I made a promise to Jennifer that I will love and take care of him more than necessary so he would not want for mother. I look at him these days and know that I have failed.

Yes, I know I'm being hard on myself -- I also know that I'm the best Daddy I can be to him, just failing miserably on the Mummy front.

I believe a Mary Poppins or Sister Maria is required in my situation... what do you think???

March is always the longest month for me...

March is notable for two dates. The first is Jennifer's birthday, 21st, the second is her heavenly birthday, the 17th.

Always hard for me when February ends and March begins.

All the memories. All the thoughts. All the pain.

I hate March.

It used to be the time I would plan to surprise her -- we almost always took a trip. Just the two of us the at first then with Jr later. I would always have the hardest time figuring out what to buy her. Not because she had everything, but because she was so hard to surprise.

But when I managed to, she would grumble, grumble and then smile and laugh that infectious laugh of hers...

*sigh* miss you so Yappie...

March will soon pass, bringing more healing and love.