“I’m sorry this happened to you son”, I said. “The hand?” Junior asked.
“Not just. Everything.” I replied.
And in a way that’s how I feel a lot of the time.
I’m sorry he had a parent who was sick all the time she just sat quietly in our room for hours on end, even though she’d rather be up and about doing things for him. I’m sorry the most adorable mother in the world had lost so much weight just looking at her probably made him sad.
I’m sorry she got even sicker after we believed she would be better.
I’m sorry he had to be taken out of school because she was close to leaving us. I’m sorry he (and I) was not home when she breathed her last. I’m sorry he had to climb on a stool to say his last goodbye to her, placing a lily in the casket as he sang a quiet lullaby of ‘can you feel the love tonight…?’
I’m sorry he had to see her lovely white coffin engulfed in flames. I’m sorry his mummy’s remains were confined to a marble urn. I’m sorry she’s so far away in Penang that we only get to visit her once, maybe twice a year.
I’m sorry I was not a very good father when I was dealing with my grief. I’m sorry I took a job that dragged me across South East Asia he felt abandoned when he probably needed me most.
I’m sorry the woman I was seeing then could not see how unique he is, and would not bring herself to accept him. I’m sorry for the driver we both loved who came into our lives when we needed him most, but then left us so suddenly when he too passed.
I’m sorry for selling the lovely home we had and moving him around, making him even more unsettled. I’m sorry for the tiny room he has now, when he used to occupy two all by himself.
I’m sorry that I’ve not been a very good mummy, even if I have been an exceptional daddy.
And yes, I’m sorry he fractured his hand so that eating is difficult, playing is impossible and not being able to do the things he usually does because it was his dominant hand.
Most of all, I’m sorry he has to hear me say, “I’m sorry…”
2 comments:
Your post has touched me. Never have I actually read something so meaningful and it was nicely written. I hope no one should go through what you and Jr had. It was tough for adults, I'm sure it was even more for Jr.
Gimme him a hug for me.
Your post has touched me. Never have I actually read something so meaningful and it was nicely written. I hope no one should go through what you and Jr had. It was tough for adults, I'm sure it was even more for Jr.
Gimme him a hug for me.
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