Jennifer's Fifth

(please click on image to enlarge)


Yes, it's been 5 years.

Time has flown by. Junior our baby is now a teenager (well, not in age). I am a forty-something person living through mid-life crisis (yes, the Porsche is on the way). I am in a committed relationship with a young (well, not-so-young) but definitely hot chick.

One thing though remains.

We continue to carry Jennifer in our hearts. Not in a burdensome way. Not that we have not let go. Not that we are un-accepting of her passing. But more as an inspiration. As a swift kick in the a$$ when we need to get things done (she was always the champion of getting things done).

Five years is a milestone. For me it is as if I have internalized the best parts of our time together and allow that to eclipse the pain of the loss.

Sure, there are moments when we get emotional. Like last weekend when we visited her final resting place in Penang. The tears flowed but this time the pain was absent.

Five years. Often times the worst five of my life, but also the five most amazing in anyone's lifetime.

The ad above appears in today's edition of The Star. If Jennifer were here she would totally be into Bruno Mars (she was always very current with her music). I wanted to share more pictures of Jennifer and was inspired to do it in a filmstrip. Then I played around and the "V" came naturally. For the sharper ones amongst us, "V" is the Roman numeral for 5 -- aha.

For Jennifer's friends who saw the ad and landed here, please leave a comment. If you did not know her, please spend some time here and on her blog. Jennifer was such a remarkable person -- until now I continue to get anecdotes and really wonderful memories of how she touched so many people from those who knew her.

So love, happy fifth birthday in heaven -- I'm sure they have Bruno Mars playing on some mystical CD up there too... enjoy.

We love you then, we love you now, you will remain forever in the hearts of your two Michaels.

Requiescat In Pace Et Lux Perpetua Luceat Ei

Sleepless in KayEl, 2011 Edition

It's 5 hours into the new year... and not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse...

I often attribute my sleeplessness to the fact that I have so much on my mind that I just can't shut off -- ideas, things to do, people to see, friends I would love to catch up with.


But mostly it's an excuse to stay up more than the requisite 16hours :)

Whatever the case may be, with each passing year I am inspired anew to do more with my life, to live it to its fullest as I promised Jennifer oh-so-long ago. So in this new year I resolve to do just that.

2010 has been very good to me. And I know that 2011 will be better!


God bless and yes, we all made it didn't we? If you believe it, this is our last year, so let's all LIVE it well!

I'm sorry that I am sorry...

“I’m sorry this happened to you son”, I said. “The hand?” Junior asked.
“Not just. Everything.” I replied.

And in a way that’s how I feel a lot of the time.

I’m sorry he had a parent who was sick all the time she just sat quietly in our room for hours on end, even though she’d rather be up and about doing things for him. I’m sorry the most adorable mother in the world had lost so much weight just looking at her probably made him sad.

I’m sorry she got even sicker after we believed she would be better.

I’m sorry he had to be taken out of school because she was close to leaving us. I’m sorry he (and I) was not home when she breathed her last. I’m sorry he had to climb on a stool to say his last goodbye to her, placing a lily in the casket as he sang a quiet lullaby of ‘can you feel the love tonight…?’

I’m sorry he had to see her lovely white coffin engulfed in flames. I’m sorry his mummy’s remains were confined to a marble urn. I’m sorry she’s so far away in Penang that we only get to visit her once, maybe twice a year.

I’m sorry I was not a very good father when I was dealing with my grief. I’m sorry I took a job that dragged me across South East Asia he felt abandoned when he probably needed me most.

I’m sorry the woman I was seeing then could not see how unique he is, and would not bring herself to accept him. I’m sorry for the driver we both loved who came into our lives when we needed him most, but then left us so suddenly when he too passed.

I’m sorry for selling the lovely home we had and moving him around, making him even more unsettled. I’m sorry for the tiny room he has now, when he used to occupy two all by himself.

I’m sorry that I’ve not been a very good mummy, even if I have been an exceptional daddy.

And yes, I’m sorry he fractured his hand so that eating is difficult, playing is impossible and not being able to do the things he usually does because it was his dominant hand.

Most of all, I’m sorry he has to hear me say, “I’m sorry…”

I would give everything I own just to have you back again

You sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, set me free
The finest years I ever knew
Were all the years I had with you, and

{Refrain}

I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again

You taught me how to love
What it's of, what it's of
You never said too much but still you showed the way
And I knew from watching you
Nobody else could ever know
The part of me that can't let go

{Refrain}

Is there someone you know, you're loving them so
But taking them all for granted
You may lose them one day, someone takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say

{Refrain}

Just to touch you once again

Online Tributes to Jennifer

The day after, and I found a couple of tributes about Jennifer online. I've also received so many warm, engaging e-mails and SMSes, even from strangers.

Jr and I are very ok. In fact we feel blessed for all the love and care we've received.


Here are two links, the first from Wai Mun, Jennifer's elder sister and the second from her friend WMW, who has never failed to write a blog post every year:

http://livefreerunfree.blogspot.com/2010/03/nostalgia.html
http://ugwug.blogspot.com/2010/03/remembering-you.html

For the record, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who I cherish very much! ;)

Jennifer's Fourth...

We miss you so Yappers!

Growing Up Junior

Junior continues to grow into this teenager that I am beginning not to recognize. I made a promise to Jennifer that I will love and take care of him more than necessary so he would not want for mother. I look at him these days and know that I have failed.

Yes, I know I'm being hard on myself -- I also know that I'm the best Daddy I can be to him, just failing miserably on the Mummy front.

I believe a Mary Poppins or Sister Maria is required in my situation... what do you think???

March is always the longest month for me...

March is notable for two dates. The first is Jennifer's birthday, 21st, the second is her heavenly birthday, the 17th.

Always hard for me when February ends and March begins.

All the memories. All the thoughts. All the pain.

I hate March.

It used to be the time I would plan to surprise her -- we almost always took a trip. Just the two of us the at first then with Jr later. I would always have the hardest time figuring out what to buy her. Not because she had everything, but because she was so hard to surprise.

But when I managed to, she would grumble, grumble and then smile and laugh that infectious laugh of hers...

*sigh* miss you so Yappie...

March will soon pass, bringing more healing and love.

Babyface Moment

During our wedding dinner I surprised Jennifer by singing this song with my best man, best friend, and brother...

It was a magical moment, all of us on stage, belting out Babyface's Every Time I Close My Eyes. The main message I wanted to share with my love was:

"And every time I close my eyes I thank the Lord that I've got you and you've got me too.

And every time I think of it I pinch myself 'cause I don't believe it's true, that someone like you loves me too..."

I remember how good I felt when she ran up to the stage and hugged me and kissed me after the song.

I found the Babyface CD today and spent a quiet moment remembering her, our wedding night and yes, the many many many wonderful memories that collectively made our lives together, "unbelievable".

Miss you so babe. Every time I close my eyes, I think of you...

Stronger after the break

Junior told me today that he misses Jennifer more now than he did when she just passed. And in a way, so do I.

The old adage that time heals all wounds does not seem to apply to us in this regard. Junior said it was easier for him when she initially left us, now he really misses her presence in our lives. I cautioned him it might get harder as he hits his teenage years, because then he would need a mummy’s ear (the proverbial woman’s touch) for some of his growing-up concerns.

For me, I continue to live with the knowledge that I not only lost my wife, but also my best friend, constant companion, business partner, lover, girlfriend, dance partner, spiritual prayer, chef, creative collaborator, bouncer, event organizer, and much, much more.

Jennifer was such an amazingly cohesive force. She was the one who organized all the gatherings and parties. She saw to everyone’s needs. She was always there for her family and friends, even until the very end, seeing to details that we would often not even think about. In simple terms, she made it all happen.

Missing her has become a part of our lives.

Sometimes we cope with the symptoms very well, but the primary disease never ever goes away. In this regard, I know in some cosmic way we sadden her. She was so clear when she told me that her passing should never hold us back, that we must push on, as how she did all through her life, all through her battle with cancer.

But love, it is never easy, is it?

I often tell people our lives (Junior’s and mine) are fractured. Truth is, at times, not always, it seems broken beyond repair. But I am reminded of another medical metaphor, that broken bones become stronger after they heal, and perhaps that is what we have to look forward to. Until then, we remain as we are, in the process of becoming stronger.

Randy's First

Today is a year since Randy Pausch left us.

Like millions of others the world over, Randy’s Last Lecture touched me in ways I honestly cannot explain. Soon after watching the lecture on YouTube I started communicating with Randy, telling him about the impact he made in my life, and how we had this “cancer” connection with each other.

Randy wrote sparingly, as you would imagine a man who counted seconds. But I do remember one very poignant note he sent me, where he said he was “just about out of time…”

I broke down and cried. I read and reread the email. It brought back memories of the last weeks of Jennifer’s life, when I knew in my heart that we had but moments left.

Then the news came, a year ago today. I mourned for Randy; I grieved very deeply for him. It was as if I had lost yet another loved one to cancer.

I hate this disease so much. It has torn a hole in my soul. If I could, I would dedicate my life to fighting this disease – I have in my own little way, but it is never enough.

I try to live life based on many of Randy’s isms: “just how we play the hand” “Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome” “Loyalty is a two-way street” and many, many more.

Once in a while when I feel lost, lonely and depressed, I load up Randy’s video and I sit there for one hour, sixteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds in awe. And I find my spirit lifted, I have laughed and cried and laughed some more with Randy and all at CMU on that fateful day. I especially look out for Jai, and light up when she comes forward for the cake. I felt a connection with her because she was a fellow caregiver, because she now too knows the sense of emptiness of loss from losing a wonderful, wonderful spouse. I still visit Randy's website almost everyday, hoping to find an update on the family...

Randy, I know you are in heaven, because one as good, who suffered so much must be in a place where you continue to look over your loved ones and enjoy their achievements, living up to their childhood dreams and realizing their fullest potential as the most wonderful people God wanted them to be.

Just as I know that Jennifer watches over us, and can feel her presence at times I believe Randy also watches over his loved ones.

To Jai, Dylan, Logan and Chloe, I hope this anniversary is filled with much peace and happiness, I know the loss, and the grief is hard, but in time, you will be able to fill this painful space with the love your husband/father had for you.

Cancer may have claimed Randy your beloved from this side of heaven, but it will never ever diminish his great love for you. And know this, like millions throughout the world, our thoughts and prayer and love are with you today.

New Blog about The Book

As most of you know, I have been working on a book about being Jennifer's caregiver. Today I started a new blog, essentially to ask for contributions to get the book published.

I am almost at the end of a very long journey, so please do visit the blog and do what you can to help.

http://h-mwhc.blogspot.com/

Mummy Too!

This morning, really, really early, at around 3 a.m. or so it struck me. I am not only Junior's dad, I'm also his mum! I have come to replace Jennifer in the mummy role as well.

Initially I felt that my own mum would do this, but as time went by its obvious that I have become both mum and dad to him. I don't mind at all of course, but I must admit I wish he had a motherly-figure in his life which he could turn to for the mothering a growing boy needs.

Of course there are women in Jr's life, there's his two Godmas and his aunts and two grandmothers, but I am referring more to someone who could possibly be both my companion and his.

Jennifer told me very pointedly that I should not be alone after she passed from this life. She knew me well.

But she also rather cheekily told me that she was not going to discuss who I should marry or even if I should marry at all! She reminded me of the many, many times I had told everyone who bothered to listen how I could never understand polygamy, as one woman (i.e. Jennifer) was all that I could handle.

Ah, love, perhaps I should have added, at any one time!


I also offered up a silent prayer to Jennifer to wish her a Happy Mother's Day as I know she continues to mother the both of us from heaven!

Jennifer was an exceptional mother. I remember the many times she would impress me with her depth of love for Junior. From holding him in her arms for hours on end when he was a colicky baby to the wanting to see to his every need even when she was so deeply in pain towards the end of her life...

Love, you were a world-class mother, and we continue to miss your selfless love for us, your perfect care and mothering this side of heaven... Please give me the strength to be the best Daddy and yes, even Mummy to Junior...

Happy Birthday Love!

Today Jennifer would've been 41.

She was never one for birthdays, that is, until we started dating. I remember the first ever birthday present(s) I gave her. It was a bouquet of roses, with a cryptic note because we had just started dating and did not want the lady boss to know (Jennifer and I were colleagues then). And "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Internet" (it was 1997, so it was a useful book!)



Since that first birthday we spent together oh-so-long ago, we made it a point to celebrate all our birthdays. And what fun we had. It was often a series of mini-celebrations: from the romantic escapades for just the two of us to the many makan sessions with family and friends...

Jennifer's last birthday party was a surprise do I planned at Penang Mari, then our favourite haunt. I got all her family, best friends, and church buddies to gather and then we surprised her, with Jr being the main star who said he needed to use the little boys' room upstairs where everyone was waiting!

Such fun, such joy, such an overpowering show of love...

Happy birthday angel!
I'm sure they celebrate birthdays in heaven as well, surrounded by loved ones who have gone before us...

We miss you today especially much, but because of our love for you in our hearts, we celebrate you... and your new life!

What Would You Say To Cancer, Given The Chance?

Jennifer was a world-class fighter whose ferocity in her battle with cancer would make Mohammed Ali, Bruce Lee and Jacky Chan look like wimps.

I received an e-mail from LIVESTRONG, the Lance Armstrong Foundation with the link for this video, which is amazing! I can only imagine what Jennifer would have said, but I beleive it would be along these lines: "you will not stop me from being the best mother I can to my son." "I will continue to be the life of the party." "The only person who hates you more than me is my husband !"

She would have had strong words for cancer.

For those of us who were living witnesses to the her daily struggle with cancer, we realise and know that she fought all the way to the very end, even refusing to go onto morphine when the pain was unbearable because for her that would have spelt the end.

So cancer, I have this to say to you: "you may have taken Jennifer from us, but the battle against you is far from over. Many hundreds and thousands more have risen in her place to put an end to you. To ensure that no other mother, wife, sister and daughter will ever be taken away..."

"Cancer, you days are numbered. We will triumph over you in the end!"

N.B. I have been involved with LIVESTRONG since 2004, and have organised LIVESTRONG DAYs in Malaysia. I will be working to create the first LIVESTRONG CHALLENGE in Malaysia soon. Please do drop me a note if you want to be involved!

Three

Yes, it has been three years.
At times, it seems like "oh-so-long-ago" but then, at times it seems like "only yesterday"...

But we will always carry her in our hearts, be it 3 or 30 years -- Jennifer will remain forever in the heart of her TwoMichaels and in a lot of your hearts.

Why?

Because of who she was.
Because she first touched us.
Because long ago she carried us in her hearts.
Because once you've met her, you will never ever forget her.
Because you become the better for knowing her.

Jennifer was always impatient, wanting to get things done fast, fast, fast (I have come to understand in my own personal reflections that she must have known in her spirit that her time with us would not be very long). But in her relationships with people she was infinitely patient -- she never gave up on her friends, even when they would constantly disappoint her. That was just how she was.

She cared very well for all of us, and she was the one to think of every detail, of everything and was always the one to do it all. That is why we all feel such a loss -- because she carried us all this time.

Jennifer was the most lively, bubbly person you would ever meet. She was so full of life even when she was living with metastatic cancer. She would always be there for her family, her friends, even people she did not know very well. That was her thing, it was almost universal how helpful and involved she was, be it in her church, her community or her company.

This is what helps us go on.

Knowing that our Jennifer had lived so well, even in her short time this side of heaven.

Of course we miss her. We will always miss her.

But we live with happiness in the same heart she resides in because we know we will one day be reunited with her.

Christmas in our hearts...

As most of you know, Jennifer was really into celebrations. Christmas, Chinese New Year, our birthdays (especially Junior's). She would plan every last detail and run around the whole of KL just to ensure she got everything just perfect!

Christmas, CNY and our birthdays are hard for Jr and me. We miss her so much on these days. In fact we already miss her during the preparations because she used to do it all...

Today I remembered a very, very sad moment from Christmas 2005, which was Jennifer's Last Christmas with us this side of heaven. She wanted to do up the house "just so" and I was irritated with something or other (possibly because she was so tired and in pain and I wanted her to just "take it easy love").

So I went upstairs to watch TV. She came up and asked for my help -- I told her, a little too harshly, "later, I want to watch this..." and the next thing I knew, she just stared hard at me and said: "don't you know this is my last Christmas, can't you help!?". I remember looking away and quietly saying, "I know how you feel, but this is not the way..."

She stormed downstairs and after a long, long, time I went down to look for her. She was sitting on the sofa with tears streaming down her cheeks. I apologized (it seemed so empty an act then) and held her and cried along with her.

I assured her we would have many many many more Christmases together (even though we both knew it was possibly not true) and just stayed very close to her then for what seemed like a suspended moment in time.

It makes me sad to think of the times I should have risen to the challenge, and seized the opportunity to be more supportive, more loving than I was. As some of you know, I am writing a book on my experiences as her caregiver. I share a lot about making the time to be with each other, and clearly this is what I wished I did more...

So this Christmas, love a little better, give not only nice, expensive, thoughtful gifts, but give of yourselves as well.

That is the true meaning of Christmas, the baby who came into the world to give the ultimate gift to us all, Himself...

Merry Christmas!

Goodbye Randy

Randy Pausch left to start his "next adventure" today. He was 47.

I suspected his time was short because he actually responded to an e-mail I sent him (about writing the foreword for my book) apologizing that he could not because he was "running out of time".

Funnily enough, I wrote Randy an e-mail today after reading the update someone posted on his site which I check daily. The update mentioned he was in hospice care. It was also from there that I got the news of his passing a couple of hours ago.

I feel suddenly empty.

Truth is, Randy has not only been an inspiration, but has been a driving force in my life lately. Let me explain: since hearing about "The Last Lecture" I have watched it countless times. It was a way of connecting with the "cancer community" that I am a part, and more importantly it drove me to be the better person we are all called to be.

In his words: "If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care
of itself. The dreams will come to you" and my ultimate favourite, which has helped me in my time of grief, "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand".

Randy's other lecture on Time Management is equally wonderful. I believe he wrote it with me in mind!

I have Randy to thank for "pushing" me to continue writing and complete the book I began just after Jennifer's passing. I will move forward to getting it published soon.

I'm actually too choked-up to write more.

RIP brother, and send our love to Jennifer, we miss you both, but will continue to live with you in our hearts!

Randy's Book

I bought Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture book when it first came out a couple of months ago. I started reading eagerly, but could not continue as some of the thoughts were "too close to home"...

But then recently I picked it up again and fought through the tears and pain to finish it.

I'm glad I did, because it's a wonderful book, almost as wonderful as the video itself. Now I have a goal: to get Randy to write the foreword for my book. In case you don't know this is the book I am writing based on my experiences as caregiver to my late wife, Jennifer.

I am of course facing two "brick walls" to make this happen.

The first: is Randy well enough? According to his site which I check daily, he might be able to do it.

The second: how do I get to him. So far two of my earlier e-mails to him have remained unanswered, but I can understand, and to be honest, I did not expect him to reply.

Anyway, as Randy says, "...the brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough..."

Yes. I will climb these brick walls, because I want this "bad enough". Stay tuned for updates...

Jennifer's 2nd is also ours

Today, Jennifer turns two, in Heaven years that is. Of course I am using human years to calculate heaven years. I will need to wait until I go to heaven (and yes, I struggle daily with this) to find out how long heaven years are.

We continue to live our lives as best we can -- as she would have wanted us to. Jr and I will fly up to Penang this Friday, where she is interred to give her flowers and spend some time in prayer at her grave. It would have also been her 40th birthday, so the trip is all that more poignant.

When I planned the trip I only focussed on the fact that it was her birthday -- without realising that it is also Good Friday. For us Catholic-Christians, Good Friday is a really BIG DEAL, so we are very happy to spend it in honour of Jennifer's memory.

For her friends who check in to this blog on her anniversary: we will be having the usual Memorial makan session only after Easter as my friend, Albert will be so busy celebrating the Triduum leading up to Easter. I'll let you all know when we know.

I very recently came across something that I find to be supremely inspirational: "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. You have to see this for yourselves as words cannot describe how wonderful it is. Over 6 million people have watched it, and Randy has been on Oprah and most recently, testified at the US Congress.

Check it out here.

My prayers are with Jai, Dylan, Logan and Chloe and of course, Randy! You have touched my life so much, and I hope you will continue to have many more months of "good health"!